Don't forget to like and subscribe before psychoanalyzing myself

Don't forget to like and subscribe before psychoanalyzing myself Here I show the pages of my love and the full truth,,,,
You can contact me at ytilaeritna@gmail.com

LAst time i spewed rando words: You are reader #

Sigh: ,,, Here I am.... again... how pathetic. How can I quit this pantic behavior and finally reach peace? Leave all of my suffering behind and fall into eternal nothingness? The good of all good? The nothing which somehow is the entirety of good??? I want to leave this earth loved, I want to leave knowing I gave someone my all, I want to breathe my last breath knowing I did something. I want to give someone all of my love and more.. I want to end my life and I want you to do it with me :>. I want someone to carry me away from this biblical rapture to safety from the war zone which is reality... someone take me away from here... help me... please... i want to kill myself with someone i can love and devote myself to.. email me if interested.

Oh wait. Youre not some rando love of my life! oh, and not one singular intelligent person on this planet would be willing to do such a thing. Of course. Nevermind :D

for so long I waited and waited for some weird wrath inside of me that always wanted more to finally run its course. Maybe to enlighten me? to show me what this -thing- is all about?? Even now Im still not sure.
do you know how pathetic that is? walking earth waking up not even being the thing that controls you? not knowing your needs, not wanting to be needed, not knowing any films? no hobbies?
Some fall farther into misery and hopelessness than they already are, some just finally snap and give up on life and just stop trying on life. these are the things that push others to the edge. Through one small cruelty, one choice, through the power of the butterfly effect, lives can be changed, ruined, right here. those superficial experiences that causes suffering lead to other bad experiences and other worse choices and less hope and more misery and the start of another branch of possibilities and those choices scare me.. and its the same terrible power of useless sites like these, just bricks of useless, dead beaten limp words. is -THIS- is the power we so carelessly wield???

i think all that is the slightest good and true is eventually hollowed out and made artificial and absurd and ugly.
what can I do with all of this sticky mush that surrounds and consumes my brain
i always ask myself that question
i like to dream. but i also like to make things happen. my whole life and worries just happen to revolve and spin around a beautiful, soft being. while everything else is just this sick black hole which mangles everything that gets sucked into it, theyre just a sweet toxic fume that pollutes the air i breathe. its exponential, really.
i have a keen insight into the human soul and when i see hurt people and i hurt. and i feel sad watching others fight. that is all true.
I wish people told the truth to me..

i want to meet someone
someone lively
i want to admire you
i would admire you
together we can be unapologetically human
i wish to meet you one day

sigh,,
if only loving you wasnt a sin..
one day god will welcome me with open arms
ive always been his favorite
my flesh is holy, my body is a temple made in your vision. im sorry for mistreating it. please forgive me lord. i saved as many people as i could
humanity is a disgusting race, but all gods children deaerve love. we all deserve warmth.
one day everyone will realize all ive done for them. they will worship me like christ.
only i am allowed
but im nothing if not patient.
maybe this persisting weight will lift when im just a soul with wings
i wonder if theres anyone out there going through the same as me. i hope one day we can all reunite and see eachother whole. a sister would be nice.

I LOVE WITH MY FULL HEART, YOURS IS SAFE WITH ME. I CAN SEE IN THE DARK. X__x !!!!

Here ill say the words that are meant for you, that I just cant say. The words that pierce so deep in my mind, and that keep me craving this thick bitter taste I have for you.

i think it was february...? or something and you took that screenshot of her picking me up and yada yada yada, i was only really excited because like for that month or i guess that time period people actually liked me like i had just had 4 people tell me they liked me that week i got love letters i was asked for my number (like in a actual serious manner) and it was alot and that was the ego boost that probably shouldnt have been there its kinda like when i told you those people in grade school knew my name and said hi to me its like the feeling of being seen especially someone that i havent talked to,, like,, ever. i got actual flashbacks to the times i would write about you in my notebook and how i imagined you putting your arms around me.. wink wink nudge nudge THATS WHY I GO CRAZY WHEN U DO THAT!!! i know i said the kissing you part was like the thing ive always wanted,, but actually since like the 1st month i was writing how red1 would stare deep into my soul and make everything better. that is the ULTIMATE CRAZY INSANE INCREASE BLOOD RATE BY 80 freaking insane one, like really.. and i was caught off gaurd by someone just randomly coming over and picking me up and looking me dead in the eye + what she told me since like thats all ive ever wanted.. ever.. but, not by her. again, its always been YOU. the only thing crossing my mind was deadass like this is insane i just wish it was Red1 doing this now, i might seem selfish because of this (because i am and im sorry) but me telling you that whole thing was kind of like my way of being like "hey i like this yea do you see how these things make me happy?" it was never her, it was never that random person we walk by it was never someone else, it was always and will always be you. ever since i met you i knew you were special. did i notice someone like her? and just leave you behind after all of the endless nights after the cold after the shakes? no, at that point i was still absoluutely intoxicated by you. do i care about her at all? no, we only say hi in asl,,, well we dont say it we sign it but whatever like i said id leave anyone for you id drop ANYTHING,, like if you seriously asked me to drop theatre to spend time with you i genuinley would, because i would rather be with you,, id always rather be with you so like honestly good point ^^ like rememeber the poem? i want you to choose our path i trust you to tell me whats right and wrong id never forgive myself if we i did anything other than your wishes which is why i always get so worked up about me looking you up and always asking people of you i just want to hear you say it again and again and again that you are okay with it also why i go insane and start hitting myself when i used to think of making out with you while like talking about uhh idk freaking jfk or something like i just want to do whats right i really do, i want you to cut my brain open and like be able to dissect it and know every last thought in it so that you know who i am ive always just wanted someone who i can tell anything to and theyd love me regardless i wouldnt have to care about thinking twice before i speak or my facial expressions i dont want that weary feeling constantly that im nothing i just want to be special to you thats all this has ever been i just want you to know that theres nobody else that makes me feel the way you make me feel nobody else has kept me awake at night till 3 am like just wondering what conversation starter ill use for the next day in 4th period without you i wouldnt have recorded our conversations when you werent there i WOULDNT record our conversations even if it was just for a second i wanted to hear you say my name no matter the context i just wanted to feel real to you if something ever feels wrong to you or you dont want me to do something no need to ask i dont care what it is because ill do anything for you!! tell me and ill do it, it crushed me knowing that out of all of the people you couldve chosen in that room you chose someone else, yea, thats why im bitter to people and whoever you bring up because they literally werent deserving of it and i was there the whole time and its not fair and thats why i got upset with you but really its just me i get it guys like i get it im not like people like that like i genuinely wish i could do what they do but i have such a hatred for those people the people because its people like you who notices them and not the person who genuinely would give their soul to just hear you say my name so yea for a fleeting second i got this tense feeling when heyli said those words but it wasnt out of like the feeling of like affection or attraction i was just genuienly taken aback that the scene of person a and b actually happened maybe not as intense lol but you know someone seeing another person like for example she said i love your style: which means she took notice of me to recognize how i dress like i know its so absolutely small but yea she doesnt even have a place in my heart because you take up 99% of them it wouldnt even be possible now for steph, thats a whole other story steph hates my game and doesnt care for it at all, she knows when i want her to stay but she doesnt anyway because she doesnt think its fair, now, thats okay. right. then that means we dont talk for 4 months, then talk for a couple weeks maybe a month if we are lucky, then stop talking again etc i usually think of relationships or love on a line and me and stephs would just be dots, it wouldnt even be a line and its all constant it doesnt even go up its all the same teal feeling she gives me and again thats okay if you dont like the way i do things or think something is too extreme or think im being weird and thats okay id still love you quietly and make friendship bracelets i knew youd never wear and id be okay with still just being lunch buddies,, ive said this numerous times. like i just hope you know the times you ever felt alone i was always there loving you, even in the splotchy parts you might dislike about 9th grade you were never alone okay? i never left stephanie and i never will we kind of just go our separate ways and just see eachother again with no plan or idea what it will lead to but just know i've always had a plan for us even if we were somehow put in me and steph's gray teal / purple scenario relationship i wouldn't be able to go on without knowing you'll be there through all of it i wouldn't be able to make decisions or have things to plan to make room for us i wouldn't know what to do with all of the love its so used to you like that's why i can't leave even if for a second i feel that it would be the easiest decision that's why i never go through like you always say, it's because i would /gen be so lost since nobody else makes an indent like that when they're gone, even for months and months.

you see maybe this has to do with my emotional problem of not being able to react the correct way, maybe. maybe theres a faulty spot in this program or something that makes my emotions so hot and cold for you and i know that not fair but though if i knew for sure id be able to hold you again i would be patient and id get through knowing youre at the end and there is an answer and there is a plan, there wouldnt have to be confusion if i knew you were mine

maybe that way, there wouldnt be those dots god i hate those fucking dots even more than i hate those bumps we have at some point. that's not me playing games with you that's me trying to do the best for us, but then it always never goes through because there's also that insane part of me that just wants to be your everything and be with you every second and wants everyone to know that you're my favorite person I'm not sure where that middle is, maybe there isn't even a middle, maybe it'll be like this forever and maybe these words are too diluted for you to understand. that's the evil part of me, the evil part that doesn't care about anything else but you but then ironically accidentally becoming selfish. Like I said, there was an actual time where I looked at everyone like the mines in minesweeper or something like they were just part of the game but I was the important one making the decisions, the one who mattered and made the game,, welp the game. like i am actually trying to be a better person, i really truly am but i catch myself still being selfish like how would people fit well for me for MY GAIN do i want friends next year? no. Am I talking to others about classes I want with them next year? yes!!!!! i know i'm going to be put in that situation where i need to look around and pick someone to be with and you won't be there so i'll just have to sigh and (this sounds so bad help) "resort" to another person, yeah i'm not alone but i'm also using people in that sense i know moral of the story i need to stop seeing my world view through such a small tense but really what else can i do????? i dont think im making much sense right now but that's another selfish part of me that wants you to drop everything and stop and do whatever i tell you but if it was natural love, if it wasn't something i had to bring up or tell you or argue with you about then everything would be okay, but no, things still go wrong and i can't just look at you in the eyes and say Red1 i'm a horrible person just do what i say or i'll be upset so i'm sorry you get upset that i don't tell you much, i'm sorry i dont explain the situations like i should sometimes. And I'm sorry I got upset. You don't know what I'm thinking, all of the time. I know I'm the creator of this game so I should be able to make this easier but really this is just the way my brain works, so if you dislike it I know I shouldn't be mad you walk away passively, you should do that, actually. it's what i deserve for being selfish i wish you'd just want me all of the time like i want you all of the time, and maybe you do, but it's never good enough for me that's what steph said to me once, she said she could do everything i asked of her but i would still be unhappy i'm very appreciative every time you read my words or something like i cherish every thought i've had of you i rewind the day before i sleep just so it can last longer just so i can feel how i felt and how you make me feel, i am appreciative. The fact she ever thought otherwise makes me sick. I appreciate all of your traits and the small teeny tiny things I write down that are probably useless information because I know when I think something special that it truly truly is. How could I be unappreciative? Do you think I am? Should I be upset when you don't give me a million percent? Should I be upset when other things literally exist and you choose something else? Is my way of thinking skewed? this is why i think i should really care less sometimes, because then the hurt would be so much less painful but then in contrast would the happiness be less special? would the laughs not give me as much joy? this is a sick sick joke ok i'm done.. you saying you have to be somewhere wouldn't hurt me or make me feel useless, id just say okay Red1 have fun that would be so much easier i'm going to sleep i wanna die now that rant wasn't as stress relieving as i thought it would be

You said if the roles were reversed you never would have done that, and I know that, if the roles were reversed here I would never say the words you do either. Youre my world when things are off I have nothing im so miserable This hurts the butterflies in my stomach are sharp I just want to be with you I would rather be completely bruised than feel like this than have this I genuinely am like an urchin my words I feel are genuinely just waves, you are the wind and the tides

I genuinely can’t believe you’re there, that you ever see anything in me you know how terrible I was? Do you think anybody in their right mind could ever do that? how selfish it is, that’s what I apologized for earlier but I let that lust get in the way and it only filled just selfish desires. thinking of them like this did nothing for me, nothing was,, true. my friendship with tida ended the day I woke up and started to see and think something was amiss, perhaps. everything else was nothing, nobody ever came close. nobody could hear these things, nobody could ever know. but yet you do I guess. I just want to show you that it’s nothing except evil, and that time and time again I want to choose you instead of anybody. I almost messed things up in so many ways and could probably be doing more productive things than awkwardly stammering standing like a fool and really never had to exchange yet i keep going back. and yet i’m surprised you’re there too; do you see why its hard to imagine youre still there? Through everything, and the burst of radiant yellow you brought while I was at the library and the one trailing through my first words. can you see what I mean? does it make sense to you? does it answer anything? I know you have so much I know I don’t understand everything and I know my words aren’t good enough because I know that they may completely miss and that I haven’t said much compared to you, really. Im sorry really I really can’t talk to you because I don’t know what to say, but I just waste your time.
I only wanted to clear up one thing, hopefully/ I genuinely can’t type so this was all an excuse for this cuz here’s what I was talking about earlier : (also none if it gets edited excepynndeletions of excerpts)
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For the longest time I was afraid to turn off the lights. You always cloud my brain with wonder. The cannibalism, the stupid stories I wish youd forget and my weird sick fetishes I kept specifically for you to fulfill all lay on paper.
I hate everything I write. No matter what its about or how recent it lays. Today ill try to write something.

When looking back in my childhood, I remember being shy, I would stay around the teachers at lunch and play with the bark chips. I remember kids coughing, regularly throwing up at lunch, disobeying the teacher, and getting in fights over the play kitchen in the back of our classroom. We didnt have nap time, after lunch my teacher, mrs cop read us a story. That reminds me, ive always been confused by people who say they cant remember their teachers names, or the classes they have taken, or their address, or what city their parent is from. Thats always confused me. I could probably name every teacher and teacher assistant Ive ever had, even the ones I had for a just a few days, i would never forget. Now that I think of it I think the most significant part of my life was surpisingly my first year of school, ever.
I always listened to my teacher. Mrs cop was my favorite teacher, On presidents day we did an art project which was just a paper cut out of abraham lincoln and I specifically remember being at a circular desk, with a blonde girl named lauren. To make his hat we had to fold a paper and draw an "L" then cut it out, but for some reason I just didnt understand how this worked. Art was my favorite subject, I liked coloring and drawing people, but I just couldnt figure this out. I remember getting upset that I couldnt understand, so I resorted to just cutting the black paper into small peices. And I sat there waiting for my teacher to notice. She came over and asked me why I did that, since it wasnt what I was supposed to do, it wasnt what she showed us to do. I dont remember what I said. I just remember her dissapointment. I guess I dont really know why I did it either. I would constantly think about it, even now somtimes I guess.
I also remember how my teacher would ask the class on Mondays what we did over the weekend and to draw a picture with a description. I remember sitting at my table every monday, not knowing what to say since I never really did anything that interesting. Back then me and my sister would go outside and ride our bikes, so I would write that, with a picture of us on a bike. Thats what I always did. I liked being outside, and thats what me and my sister would do on the weekends. About half way into the year my teacher came up to me and told me that my writing skills werent creative, that I always write about me and my sister playing outside and I say the same thing every week.But thats what I did, I would play outside but she wanted more. Did she want me to go to the zoo once in a while? Go to the beach? An amusment park? I would want to too, If I had been going to the amusement park, or had an interesting story to tell I would write about it, but I never did, and again I had dissapointed her, and this time it was out of my control. I remember saying singing a song that said "hello" in different languages in the library, I remember books and songs my teacher would show us. Pete the Cat I love my white shoes, The book with no pictures, The ants go marching one by one, The bad case of stripes. I remember my music teacher would play the song fireflies while we walked into class, so we could practice controlling our breathing.